that's the way it's supposed to be

Imprinting, in psychology, is a process by which we learn things rapidly at particular stages of life. Often the things we learn in this way are life long lessons. It becomes very hard to unlearn something that has been imprinted in our memory, even when negative consequences result from acting on it. Birds and other animals imprint their parents at birth. They learn what mommy and daddy look like and then will follow faithfully wherever they lead. If no parent is available they choose another animal, a human being or even an inanimate object as a surrogate. Human babies begin to recognise their parents voices while still in the womb. The bonding of a mother to her newborn may involve the same type of learning.

Sexual imprinting occurs during a young persons first sexual experiences. The age, sex and appearance of a persons first partner can become important parts of their sexual make up. Often they will continue to seek out similar partners for the rest of their lives. Some men are only interested only in skinny blonds, I knew a woman who was turned on by men with red hair. Not just the characteristics of your partner can be imprinted. What they are wearing, the acts performed and what is said during the first few sexual encounters can become part of a persons sexual preferences. Some men are turned on by high heel shoes. Some women like men who play rough. Even the location of an encounter can be imprinted, whether it is a seedy motel room or the back seat of a Chevy Impala. So powerful is this imprinting that certain stimuli are not just preferred but are absolutely necessary for arousal (read "erection" in men), pleasurable sex and orgasm. An aspect of a first experience is more likely to be imprinted if that aspect adds to the thrill and excitement of the moment.

Human beings get excited when they think they are doing something socially unacceptable or morally wrong. The adrenaline starts flowing, the heart beats faster, and the senses are heightened. Our culture offers a panorama of sexual taboos. There are rules against sex outside of marriage, oral and anal sex, group sex, touching the genitals and sex for pleasure. Having sex before you are 18 is "bad" and if your partner is under 18 it is a crime. Even looking a another person's unclothed body is considered a sin. So it is no surprise that many of us felt we were doing something wrong our first time. Not that we were awkward at sex, every one feels like that, but that we doing exactly what we were taught not to do.

This leads to a paradox if someone believes that they are committing a great sin during the first time they have sex or that there will serious consequences if they are caught. The feeling of "being bad" becomes a prerequisite part of "good sex". Once they become a married adult sex is no longer wrong and it is no longer satisfying. In order to recreate the thrill of that first time a person will be driven to go outside of the limits of acceptable behavior. Adultery, multiple partners, unsafe sex, sex in public places, and "deviant" sexual practices such as bondage, sado-masochism, voyeurism and homosexual acts are the only way for some people to become aroused and achieve orgasm.

Religious and social mores that label certain aspects of sex as "wrong" end up driving us to have sex in a way that is unhealthy, dangerous or to our own detriment. Leading to the break-up of marriage, the spreading of disease and social maladjustment, bringing harm to ourselves, our families and to society as a whole.

OWL

August 4, 2007